Dear Mr. Schwarzman:

Attached please find the manuscript for the play which will be replacing the Kennedy Center’s long-running theatrical production, “Shear Madness.”

We know what you’re thinking: you have no intention of closing the self-anointed “favorite comedy” in America. However, we’re confident that once your review of the attached manuscript is complete, the cast and crew of “Shear Madness” will be notified of their dismissal immediately so that the baton may be passed to the future of Washington theater, “Hot Tubbin’ I: Bringin’ It.”

Why?

Because “Hot Tubbin’ I: Bringin’ It” vividly portrays Washington and the agonies of modern political life. Are you tired, Mr. Schwarzman, of the same old out-of-touch dramatizations that ignore the realities of day-to-day life in Washington we know so well? Do you survey these many portrayals and wonder: “Where is the Washington I know? Where are the mountains of cocaine, the monster trucks, and the ferocious cowboy vs. gorilla-congressman kung-fu battles? Where the heck is the groundless conjecture about the super-secret network of pervert-coddling homosexuals that apparently is nested within the upper echelons of the Republican Party?”

Are you impatiently waiting for someone to tell a Washington story that fully captures the harrowing drama and profound human suffering unique to efforts to amend meaningless legislation? Are you throwing your arms up in frustration and crying to the heavens for want of a life-affirming Washington tale that draws on the distorted existential wisdom of a reformed Cajun hobo and delights in the moronic misadventures of a morbidly obese white rapper character that’s based on a friend of ours? (Heads-up—gorilla costume and fat suit are needed for this production.)

Sir, your long wait is finally over.

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